I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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