How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
