I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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