oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
