he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
