I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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