I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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