she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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