you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
