so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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