Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Randomize
