yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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