if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
