i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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