My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
