So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
