I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
