did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
