I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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