first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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