No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
