Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
