My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
