my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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