I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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