and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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