weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
