I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
