And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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