I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
