She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
