sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
