thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
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