just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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