update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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