i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
