Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
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