I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
