Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
