WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
