Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
