i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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