Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He shit in the fireplace
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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