so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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