apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
