Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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