I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
