since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
