I accidentally had phone sex last night
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Randomize
