i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
