i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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