I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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